cetana's Blog

Untold Prophecy

 

The storm had transformed in to a lion seemingly acting upon the most primal of instincts blood thirst clawing at Cetana’s cloak, the wind roared as if taunting her toward a futile battle of the elements. Nature’s fury pounded at Cetana trying to stop her from reaching her destination. The winters snow and the freezing winds consumed her body sending chills through her and numbing her extremities too the point of making it nearly impossible to keep a hold of the reins in her already frozen grip. She leaned closer to Azmond’s neck hoping that the closeness would bring warmth of some kind. The light green cloak wrapped around her fragile body did little for warmth. Cetana rode Azmond through the dark damp forest the tree branch’s beating at her like a thousand spider legs trying to catch its prey Azmond dodged them but they still hit their target furiously She ducked her head into the black main at Azmond’s neck to protect her face as best she could urging him to go faster. It took all her strength to stay on Azmond’s back without falling off she knew if she did she would not survive the night. She knew she had to find shelter soon or her and Azmond would be taken by the winter’s night. Not realizing that he had come to a complete stop she flew over his shoulder and landed in a mud puddle filled with snowy mud. She held on to the rein in her hand and was barley able to stop her head from hitting the hard ground. When she came to her sense she realized Azmond had stopped short of a rotten fence it was hard to make out in the night the moon was covered in clouds so there was little light but she could see a large structure in the distant shadows of the forest it was strange that there was a house it was most likely a farm in the creepy forest. She had heard rumors of such strange thing happening here. Like people disappearing in to the fog and shadows being seen roaming the trees they never got into anymore details all she knew was that the forest made her feel very uncomfortable very unsafe. She checked her knifes at her waist to make sure she didn’t lose any in the fall off of Azmond back. They were safe and secure behind her belt in a couple leather sheaths made specifically for her knifes she had designed them herself. She fought the urge to pull one out she could feel eyes watching her from the distance she did her best to ignore the sensation as she pulled Azmond around the fence and toward the farm. She wind whistled in the trees it sounded like someone was whispering in the distance she quickly but quietly made her way to the door. She tied Azmond to a post next to the front of the building and walked quietly to the front door. A chill ran down her spine and she realized that she was drenched from head to toe. The door creaked loudly as she gently pushed it open.

“Hello is anyone here?” She listened intently for a voice to answer when no one did she picked up a candle laying on a old ran down table she closed her eyes and when she felt the warmth of the flame on her face she opened her eyes. The heat from the candle made her realize that her hands were freezing. She opened another door that led to another room she made her way through the doorway into a dark room. Her suspicions had been correct the house had been abandoned but not in the sense of the word. The smell of death made her stomach lurch, it wasn’t the first time she had smelled death and it wouldn’t be the last it was something no one could get used to. She hadn’t realized she had a dagger in her hand until she felt the coolness of the blade on her skin covering her nose she made her way further into the next room When she entered the next room she could make out something that looked like a couple of body’s on the floor. There was a large figure by the table and chairs and a medium body hovered over a smaller body. A woman and her child, the mother trying to protect the child from harm. All the skin had been removed from the corpses or at least it looked like it had been. Remembering something like this from her childhood. The larger body had a sword next to it. The memories were there but she couldn’t focus on anything but the smell and the bodies laying at her feet. Covering them with a blanket did little for the smell but it was the best she could do considering the storm that promised her more beatings and colder weather and if it continued sickness or even death. After covering them she decided it would be best to look around the house some more to make sure the building really was empty. When she was satisfied that the farm was empty she took Azmond to the barn and put him in a stall after feeding him some oats from a bag she always carried she went back in the house and started a fire in the fire place for some heat. She passed a reflection of herself and stopped to stare at her appearance the woman in the mirror looked nothing like her. Her hair was normally a strawberry red now it was almost the color of mud and drenched it hung partly in her face with specks of dirt and tree limbs the dress she now wore was a dark brown stained with dark mud instead of the light gray riding dress she had began with. She let lose her braid and picked out the limbs that had stuck in her hair then she brushed it and washed it was best she could under the circumstances. When she finished cleaning herself she quickly put on another riding dress that was sown down the middle to make it easier for riding a horse. When she finished dressing she decided to make a bed in front of the fireplace in order to keep warm for the night. Her appetite was gone after seeing the corpses in the other room and the smell had made even the word food sound horrible. She had to force herself to eat even though she hadn’t ate for over a day not wanting to stop and rest she had to get to some sort of nourishment. After she chocked down the bread and dried meat she drank from a pig skin canteen that she had in her satchel and laid down in front of the fireplace. She reached for the torn book she had sat next to the blanket.

 CHAPTER 2

What did she mean by her death making me feel something?  I asked myself as we made our way through the living room.

It felt weird to see my mother as dead as the animals I had killed and all that blood would normally have made me smile but knowing it was mom's kept me from enjoying it.

 All I felt was empty more empty then usual as the officer who helped me off the bed led him in the kitchen and sat me down. He walked over to the sink and got me a glass of water from the facet and handed it to me.

 He was watching with sympathy in his eyes as he sat down at the table across from me where mom was sitting hours ago smiling and happy. What had gone wrong? I asked myself as I sipped from the glass in my hand.

“Where is your dad at?” The officer asked in a sad voice.

“I don’t know he told my mom he was going out earlier!” I said as the other officer came into the kitchen.

“ I called it in a coroner should be here shortly.” he said in front of me.

He noticed I was sitting in the chair when the other officer shook his head at him in disappointment, he wasn’t observant. I looked over at the officer across from him and read his name tag. J. Kolats.  Moment’s later my father came into the house so drunk he could barley stand let alone walk.

“What is going on why are the police here?” he asked me in a stutter
 
“Mom shot herself” I felt hollow as I heard the word coming from my own lips
 
“Why.. huh... WHAT...” my father yelled
 
“I don’t know” I really didn’t understand why she did it.
 
“Its because of you” he pointed at me as tears came to his eyes and he fell to the floor.

“Calm down sir” the other officer tried to comfort him.
 
“My wife is dead!” He cried into his arms.
 
I went back into the kitchen and sat in my chair I was unable to cry and I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Everyone else I have met has been able to why can't I ?    

 The officers spent there time trying to calm down my fathers the older Officer. Kolats kept looking in the kitchen at me giving him a reassuring smile.

I have to get out of here I need some air I stood up and walked out the back door leaving all of the crying and sympathetic eyes in the house where they belonged.

When I got outside I slowly made my way to the old oak tree in the back yard and sat down beside it closing my eyes and taking a deep breath to try to clear my head. MY mom was dead and the last words she spoke to me echoed through my mind.

I didn’t know how long he sat out there until the Officer Kolats came out and crouched beside me waking me from a good sleep.

“ There almost done in there” he reassured me.
 
 He looked down at me his brown eyes filled with warmth and understanding.

“Here is my card in case you need to talk to someone” He handed me a white card with his home number on it.

“Call me if you want to talk” he touched my shoulder gently.

“Okay” I said and shook my head knowing I would never call him.

“I need some sleep I have school tomorrow” a yawn escaped my mouth.
 
“I don’t think you will have to go to school tomorrow son” he looked as though he wanted to cry his eyes were glassy.

“I am tired” I yawned again.

“ Well it’s late and you have suffered something traumatic something no one should have to suffer” his voice was gentle and sad.

I didn’t understand why he was looking at me the way he was and talking in that understanding voice. I shook my head and that seemed to satisfy him.

“I need to talk to your dad” he stood and walked into the house leaving me alone.

I was happy that I was finally alone again i wasn’t sure what time it was all I knew was i was tired and cold I ignored the goosebumps surfacing on my arms and I closed my eyes and fell asleep again.

I was woken up by the sound of someone talking next to the door my father and someone else i listened for a clue.

“Do you have a place to stay for a few days?” the officer asked my father.

“I can stay at my sisters she lives a few miles down the road” Dad said.
 
I couldn’t make out the shadow of the man he was whispering and he sounded like the officer who gave me the card.

“It’s not your sons fault so don’t blame him” he put his hand on dads shoulder and walked in the house.

 Dad stood there looking at the tree where I was sitting for a moment and went in the house I closed my eyes and fell back to sleep. I was woken up by a rough sounding voice.

“Come on wake up” It was dads voice

I opened my eyes and my father was standing over me. I yawned

“I said get up” he reached down and pulled me to my feet.
 
“What’s going on?” I asked groggily.
 
“ We are leaving your going to stay with your aunt for a few days” Dad said
 
I brushed my clothes off and followed him into the house.

“Pack some things!” he ordered as he stalked down the hallway.

I went into my room and pulled a duffel bag out of the closet I filled it with a couple pairs of blue jeans and a few t-shirts and my toothbrush then stuck The Outsiders in and the book I had gotten from mom earlier today. I added some socks and boxers to the duffel bag before zipping it shut. I picked up my backpack off the floor and headed out the front door.

I waited on the porch for dad when I noticed a dark blue car pulled up to the house and the woman waved at me she had blond hair and brown eyes and she looked to be in her early thirty’s.

“Come on Logan I am here to pick you up my name is Mrs. Thomason but you can call me Aunt Cathy” She smiled warmly.

“Isn’t dad coming?” I asked her.
 
“No just you... come on honey” I was to tired to think of anything besides a nice bed.
 
I stood up from the porch and picked up my bags I looked back over my shoulder to see if i could see my father I didn’t see him anywhere, so I walked to the car and opened the door and climbed inside.

“Did you get everything you need?” she asked me.

“Yeah” I said groggily and yawned again.

“You poor dear you must be exhausted” she said.
 
I only yawned again in response to her observation, a few minutes later we pulled into a long driveway that was paved. When the house came into view the first thing I noticed was the size of it, It was a two story house but it didn’t look anything like what Lucas’s had looked like. There was a porch that went all the way around the house and it was painted white and brown. It looked twice the size of his house in width.

“Were here dear. She said as she smiled

 I grabbed my bag as she opened the front door. When I got out a small brown dog approached the car and started barking and growling at me.
 
“That’s odd she is normally a sweet dog!” my aunt said.
 
“Go lay down Percy” she commanded the dog.

I wanted to kick the dog it’s barking was annoying me but I restrained myself as I walked to the front porch the dog followed hesitantly behind me careful not to get to close and still barking uncontrollably.

Get the hell away from me dog!  I thought tiredly as I followed my aunt into the house.

I purposely slammed the door behind me hoping to hit the dog with the impact, it would have hurt her instead it missed and I left the rodent of a dog on the porch wining in between barks.

“Come this way and try not to slam the door dear!” she said while motioning with her hand toward where she was standing.

“Sorry it slipped!” I lied

“Its okay just be careful next time” she smiled sincerely
 
“Alright!” I followed her

When we reached the area she was standing in front of an open door and waited for me to go in.

“This will be your room for a few days!” she smiled and shut the door leaving me alone in a room the size of my mothers.

I turned the light switch on next to the door the first thing that drew my attention was the color if the wall’s they were an almost blinding white it hurt his eyes to look directly at them. I took a deep breath when I saw the size of the bed I walked over to it and touched it because it looked unnatural. It was filled with water he had read about such thing but had never seen them.

 I put his bags on the floor and sat on the bed and it felt like I was sitting on a float in a pool. How does anyone sleep on these things?  I whispered to myself.

I laid on the bed and a moment later I was fast asleep. When I woke it was the middle of the day, by looking outside I would guess it was around noon and there was a tray of food sitting on the dresser next to a large mirror. The tray had a cup of apple juice and a sandwich wrapped in a plastic baggie sitting on a blue plate with pink flowers and beside that was a small bag of barbecue chips.

I didn’t remember falling a sleep or closing my eyes so I could go to sleep. All I knew was that I felt like I was starving more then I ever had. When I finished my lunch I walked over to my bag and pulled out The Outsiders and sat it next to the bed I would read it later before going to sleep for the night.

I hated the fact that I had missed school even for one day but there was nothing I could do about it now. So there wasn't any point in dwelling on something I couldn’t change. I was happy not to have to see Lucas for a while. I still didn’t know what to do about him.  Now I can't ask mom for advice anymore. I feel so empty now

I  came to the realization that now I had no one to talk to It finally hit me like a ton of bricks. Mom was gone and I had no one left I felt even more numb then usual.

I walked over to the mirror to see my reflection as I did every morning I didn’t think of myself as ugly I Had never really thought about it, I have  no feeling toward  my appearance what so ever. The same dead emotionless eyes watched me from the shadow of the mirror reminding me who I was born to be.

I couldn’t talk to my father I had tried years ago. I closed his eyes remembering the past. I got home from school early it had been a minimum day, I had gotten myself a snack out of the fridge while I tried to do my math homework that had been assigned by the teacher at the time. I remembered it being difficult and walking up to my father’s chair while he was watching T.V. he had been watching some old football game of his glory days, I was ten years old then. That was when I was still human when I could cry and feel.  I thought to myself as I remembered the past.
  
 Mom would normally help me but she had not gotten home from work and I had to have it done by the next day.

“Daddy?” I whispered as I slowly approached his old brown recliner chair.

There was no answer I took a deep breath trying to make my voice go louder.

“Daddy?”  My fathers glared at me his eyes full of hate.

“I need help with my math can you help me?” I asked

“Are you calling me stupid you little shit?” My father growled at me making me take a step back.

“No daddy”  I promised

“Don’t you lie to me you stupid little asshole!” 

My father stood from his chair and walked over to me with hand raised  and the smell of booze on his breath  it was so strong it made me want to cough.

I backed him into the corner until my father had me trapped between the wall.

“I am sorry daddy,” I pleaded not knowing what I had said wrong

I pleaded and closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see the hate on his face and in his eyes.

First he slapped my face with an open palm. When he realized that wasn’t hard enough he doubled up his fist and punched me repeatedly in the stomach until I puked. When I fell to the floor screaming and crying in pain my father kicked me again hitting me in my stomach. He finally stopped when I was bleeding from my mouth. The whole time he was beating me he screamed. “I wish you had never been born you Stupid little shit thinking your smarter then me who smarter now?” then he would laugh and kick  me again.

I remembered the bruises I had on my body they reminded me of finger painting and I was the canvas, decorated in them from my neck down.

It wasn’t only the alcohol that made him mean he was worse when he was sober he might not hit me as often as he would when he was drinking but he made up for it with his verbal abuse.

I felt irritated remembering the bruises and how my father had laughed at my pain when it would hurt to bend down. He would purposely toss something so I would have to bend down and pick it up.

I punched the dresser with my fist right when my aunt knocked on the door I took a deep breath and calmed my features before answering.

“Come in” I said sweetly.

“You okay dear?” she asked in a concerned tone.

“I thought you were going to sleep all day!” she said.

“I am fine just catching up on my homework” I flashed her a fake smile.

She nodded slowly as if she wasn’t sure why I was smiling at her. It had always worked before why was she looking at me oddly now?

“Oh well you don’t have to worry about that dear!” she said

“I still go to the same school right?” I asked in a questioning tone.

“Why yes dear it’s just” she grew quiet.

 “What?” He asked in a sweeter voice.

“Well with this tragedy you don’t have to worry about that dear” she said softly.

 “What are you talking about what tragedy?” I asked confused.

She was silent for a moment and tears started to come to her eyes.

“Your mother’s death sweet heart” she brushed at a tear as it escaped her eye.

“Don’t call me that,” I said in a hateful tone not meaning to.

“Why not?” she asked.

“That’s what Katharine used to call me,” I said in a voice better  suited for the dead.

“Your mother Katharine?” she asked softly.

“Yes I want to be alone” I told her

“I am so sorry if I upset you,” She whispered.

She walked to the door and brushed at her face I could only assume she was wiping away tears. 

What the hell is wrong with these people she was my mom shouldn’t I be the one crying not everyone else?   I thought to myself as she left the room.

I felt angry at everything and everyone, I hated everyone and there stupid emotions, there pitiful looks directed at me as there eyes fill with tears. I am incapable of crying myself.                                                                   
                                                                  
                                                                                 
When she closed the door behind her I let out a long deep breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding. I climbed on the bed and began to read The Outsiders I did have homework after all and I didn’t want to get a bad grade.
                                                                  
                                                             ******
When Cathy closed the door behind her she got the strangest feeling about the young man in the room. She hadn’t even known she had a nephew until her brother had called in hysterics telling her about what had happened. It was odd that her brother had never mentioned he had a son, most fathers would be proud but he appeared to be ashamed of him. Logan looked a lot like his mother and father aside from the light blue eyes and his body. She remembered her brother being chunky at that age. Logan was tall for his age and he was a good-looking kid. She smiled at the thought of him having a little girl friend, her son Keith had a little girlfriend when he was his age and now he was 17 years old almost an adult.

Where did the years go? She remembered when he had first learned to walk and when he had his first day of school she had cried after she left him in that classroom what felt like hours but it had only been minutes. Logan was a strange boy from what she could tell he looked like a teenager but he acted like an adult.

The poor dear is probably in shock  She told herself as she went up the stairs and knocked on Keith’s door.

“Yeah” Keith said

She opened the door he was sitting on his bed and the radio was on he was talking on the phone to someone.

“Listen I’ll call you back “ he hung up the phone

“I want you to hang out with your cousin for a while” she said to him

“Why?” he rolled his eyes

“He needs a friend to talk to someone who isn’t an adult someone he can relate to”

“Why me mom why can’t he call one of his friends?”

“I don’t think he has any!” she said in a pitying voice
 
“What a loser” he laughed mockingly

“Don’t you laugh Keith his mother is dead and he has no one!” she began to cry again

 “What do you want me to do mom huh?” Keith asked quietly

“Talk to him show him you can be a friend to him,” she said softly in a sad voice
 
“I will try mom okay I’ll try” he reassured her With that she kissed his head and hugged him wanting him to know just how much she cherished him.

“ I love you so much you know that?” he smiled

“I love you to mom” he said awkwardly

“Well I let you finish what you were doing okay?” she said and wiped at her face

“Okay mom” he smiled and hugged her

On her way into the kitchen she smiled to herself and thought how much of a man her son was becoming. She was so proud of that. She opened the fridge and tried to think what to make for dinner.  I wonder what Logan’s favorite food is was her last thought before she decided she would make hamburgers and French fries.

                                                 * * * * *
I sat on the bed watching the birds out the window I was starting to feel tired again  and I wasn’t sure how long I had read for but my eyes were beginning to sting. Suddenly I heard a knock on the door.

“Come in” I said in a strained voice

I can't take any more heart to heart talks. I thought to myself as the door opened

A boy a little older then me stuck his head in the room. He had light brown hair that hung just above his ears and he had dark blue eyes. He reminded me of a jock who was also a preppy, he was about the same height as me or he looked to be from the doorway. He wore a blue and orange high school football jacket.

Great he is a jock  I thought to myself as I watched his suspiciously.

“Who are you?” I had already guess he was my cousin Keith but I made him say it anyways.

“I am your cousin Keith” he smiled

“So what do you want?” I asked glumly

He shrugged his shoulders and came into the room  “I heard what happened to your mom and thought you might want to talk about it.”

What was with this family and all there lovey do-vie shit? Was this how normal people behaved like they cared about people they hardily knew?
I asked myself as I watched him from the bed.

“No thanks cousin I would rather not.” I said sarcastically.

“Well do you want to go for a walk?” he asked me.

“Not really.” I said.

“Well what do you want to do?” he asked I could tell I was annoying him
Good I thought and smiled in his direction.

 “I don’t know” I shrugged at him it was obvious that he would not leave until I gave into his dramatic attempt at being family.

I sat there in silence wishing I had my pictures I missed the sight of blood. 

Now this idiot is trying to be my buddy like I don’t have enough problems already.

“Why don’t you tell your mom I said I am fine?” I said with a knowing smile.

“What... makes you think that my mom sent me to talk to you?” He was a bad liar. I gave him a serious look, like I didn’t believe him at all and he laughed.

“Okay apparently I can’t pull anything over your eyes, my mom did send me to talk to you she is worried about you?” he confessed

“Why is she worried?” I asked.

“Your mom killed herself in front of you it’s enough to worry anyone.” he said

I shrugged my shoulders “It happens” I said sadly

“No it doesn’t it is unusual” he said in a hollow voice as I shrugged again

“Why did she do it?” he asked.

“I don’t know why” I really didn't understand what she had meant.

“Well that’s got to suck losing your mom” he was trying to be nice now trying to get me to open up I decided I would play along.

“Yeah and it was my birthday to” I said hoarsely.

He looked at me with pity and horror when I told him my mother had killed herself in front of me on my birthday of all days.

I didn't see the big deal it was only a birthday but apparently it was a really tragic thing to happen at least that is what I read from his expression face.

“It was your birthday?” he whispered as though talking to himself.

I picked up one of my books and imagined beating him with it. I didn’t want to talk about these thing’s with a stranger I hated all this talk of feelings. I sat the book back on the dresser and thought of something that made me happy the sight of blood and the suffering of others.

 So I let my mind drift to the memory of Kevin’s cat Trig. I wonder if that asshole found him yet. Keith caught me  smiling and I quickly frowned when Keith’s eyes got bigger in shock.

“I was thinking of something my mother said to me one time” I lied of course.

I made I mimicked the  frown on Keith’s face and his eyes returned to normal,  they seemed to hold sympathy again. he cleared his throat trying to get his composure.

“Well mom should have dinner ready soon.” he said.

“Okay that’s good I was actually getting hungry” I felt like I hadn't eaten in days

 “I am glad we talked” Keith smiled and walked to the door. I only nodded in his direction.

When I looked up to where he had been standing I realized i was alone once more.  I thought about going outside and taking a walk by myself but decided against it. I picked up the T.V. remote and turned it on I normally didn’t watch it but I was bored and that ratty little dog would just follow after me barking the whole time as I tried to enjoy my walk.

 I flipped through the channels and decided to watch a horror movie that was on I didn’t know the name but it looked interesting for now. Every now and then I would pick up my book thinking I might read it instead of watching the movie and every time I did something interesting would happen to make me put the book on the bed beside me. When the movie ended I shut the T.V. off and headed into the bathroom when I came out Keith stuck his head inside the door for a split second to say dinner was ready.

I was still concerned with having to stay here I didn’t know the people all though they were nice to nice in my opinion. I walked out the door down the hall and into the kitchen.

I heard Keith telling his mom that my mother had killed herself on my birthday and she gasped. when the family caught sight of me they smiled and acted as though they were not just talking about me I didn't care I was more interested in the food on the table.  So I pretended I hadn’t heard and smiled as I entered the room.

The table held hamburgers and French fries the smell filled my nostril's which made my stomach rumble. My Aunt motioned me to a chair beside her at the same time Keith had done the same. I decided that It was the safer bet  to sit next to Keith I didn’t want her hugging me or anything.

I walked around the table to where Keith was and took a seat next to him he patted my shoulder as though we were buddies and his mother smiled proudly.

I have to get home even my father isn’t as bad as these two at least I knew what to expect from him a bloody lip and broken ribs I still have the bruises from a few days ago  I sighed and Cathy gave me a concerned look.

“What is it dear?” she asked

“Oh nothing I was just thinking about school and how much I miss home” I lied well kinda I did miss going to school and being able to go in my room and shut the door I missed the peacefulness of my room when the house was empty.
 
“ I know dear it’s only for a few days though” she smiled at me.

I nodded and she picked up a bun and started putting mayo on it. I looked over at her when she started talking AGAIN... All I wanted to do was eat my food and be left alone. Why was that to much to ask?

“How come your dad’s not here?” she asked I realized that she has holding the bun in midair.

“Oh” I was stumped on what to say.

“What is it dear?” She asked asked again.

“Its just that he hates me” I sighed again.
 
All the while thinking Maybe if I show her the bruises she will call the cops and he will go away forever. That was a pleasant thought.

“Your father doesn’t hate you dear he’s just upset over your mother” She sounded like she believed what she had said.

 I really hated naive people they made me angry for some reason I wanted her to understand the trauma that was my life. I wanted to open her eyes to what kind of man her brother, my father really was.

“Then why did he beat my mom?” he asked angrily and she gasped and shook her head in disbelief. 

“I can’t believe he would do such a thing to someone so sweet” she sounded close to tears.

I wasn’t about to tell her about the bruises I had I did want to go home some time this century. Sure these people were nice a little to nice for my taste. They reminded me of  the happy people I had read about in fairy tales as a child and I really disliked them even more because they were giddy people loving, caring, happy people and I hated happy people.

“He’s the reason she killed herself she told me before she shot herself in the head!” I lied and made my voice sound even more hysterical, I almost believed it myself. 

“She told me she couldn’t take his shit anymore then she put the gun I paused to make it sound more dramatic and she pulled the trigger there was blood everywhere.” I was a good actor

“I- didn’t- know -what to –do” I stuttered sounding as though I would break down and cry that very moment. I was a very good at pretending after all I had to be to fit in with kids my age.

I have always paid close attention to people emotions because I could  barley remember how they felt now i didn't appear to have any myself. I think of myself as a shadow feeding off or others emotions so that I  can mimic them.

Everyone at the table sat in there seats not sure what to say the silence and awkwardness left Cathy and Keith with their mouth’s hanging open they reminded me of fishes and I almost laughed.

They sat there in silence as I watched them their face expression’s changed from shocked to sympathetic in a matter of seconds with annoyed me I hated when people felt sorry for me it always makes me really mad.

My aunt stood from her chair and stood walked over to where i was sitting, she bent down and hug me.

“You poor dear I am so sorry this happened to you!” she cried as tear’s streamed down her face, even Keith looked like he was going to start balling like a baby no matter how much he tried to hide it I just sat there feeling uncomfortable as she hugged me tightly.

 What is the matter with these people?  I asked myself in between Cathy’s sobs she held me so tightly I started to feel like I couldn’t breath a few seconds later she let go and walked over to her chair and sat down. She pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and started wiping at her face with it.

Then she finally continued fixing the hamburger bun. Was probably stale now I thought as she put some ketchup on the other side.

“What do you want on yours dear? She asked me as she cleared her throat.

“Mayo, lettuce and onion” I said cheerfully perhaps a little to cheerfully.

When she finished she handed me a plate with a large hamburger and a decent amount of French fries on the side. I ate as fast as I could without chocking. I felt like I hadn’t eaten in weeks instead of hours. When I finished I politely asked for another plate full. Keith watched me as he ate chewing on the same French-fry he had been eating for the last ten minutes before pushing his full plate of food away from him. He had lost his appetite apparently they both had.

When I finished my dinner they both sat at the table looking like they would be sick at any moment. She watched me eat my food concern clouded her features
I started to pick my plate.

“Don’t worry I will get the dishes” she said

I smiled and walked out of the kitchen when he left the room I heard them start to whisper and stopped where I was, so that I could hear their conversation. they were trying to be quiet so that I wouldn’t over hear but I could hear them clear as day.

“There is something off about him mom” he said to his mom

I really don't like him I thought to myself as I stood there listening.

“He’s in shock the poor thing seeing his mother like that he doesn’t understand what happened yet” she sniffled.

“I don’t know mom” he sounded doubtful.

“I do hush... he is fine he will need some therapy, but he will be okay” she sounded as though she were trying to convince herself instead of Keith.

“I will talk with his father tonight about taking him to talk to someone” she said

“What about what he said about it being his fault?”he asked his mom

I almost laughed out loud at that they were too easy to play with, I smiled instead!

“I don’t know” she sighed

“You don’t think his dad beats him to do you mom? He asked

“I don’t know what to think” she said sounding sad.

“Why else would he say his father hates him it makes sense” he paused and took a deep breath “Why haven’t we met him in the 13 years since he was born?”

“I don’t know Keith I just don’t know what to do or think but I am sure he would have said something if he was abusing him.” she assumed.

“I wouldn’t if I were in his situation” Keith blurted.


“Well lets pray he doesn’t” she took a deep breath and started clearing the table lost in her own what ifs and how comes...

“Why don’t you go and do something with him” she asked her son

“Like what?”he asked

“Go and play a video game!” she offered an option.

“Okay mom” he laughed I will figure something out.

“I love you Keith I want you to know that sweet heart” she kissed his head and hugged him.

I flinch when I heard Cathy call her son Sweet heart after all that is what my mother used to call me. I started quickly walking to my room I didn’t want to think about my mom anymore, her last works echoing in my head. I love you sweetheart and I am so sorry maybe my death will make you feel something. when he closed the substitute room my head was throbbing the gun shot echoed in my mind almost making me fall to his knee’s.

What the Hell is going on with me what is this I am feeling I have to control this I have to get out of here and go home.

 A knock on the door drew my attention away from my current thoughts. Keith stuck his head in.

“Are you okay dude your really sweating” he said

He likes stating the obvious apparently. I thought to myself as I watched him feeling like I was going to be sick to my stomach.

“I’m fine!” I growled.

I could never remember being so tired I felt like I was going to pass out, the room was starting to turn black and the suddenly everything was bright again. I was left feeling weak where I stood I gripping the bed post for leverage so that I wouldn’t fall on my face.

“I was wondering if you wanted to hang out for a while” he said from the door way

“I’m kind of tired” I was telling the truth

“We could play the PlayStation 2” he said quickly before I could finish my thought.

I shrugged in response hoping that being able to concentrate on something besides the memories of my mothers death would make me feel better. 

“I have some cool games!” he said cheerfully.

He had read advertisements for them in the newspaper years ago and had always been curious about the game systems most of the kids at my school would brag about how good they were at most of the games to there friends he had over heard a couple.

“I guess I have never played one before” I was tired but my curiosity kept me a wake.

“Really what do you normally do for fun?” he asked me slowly as though he was still in shock that i had never played a video game before.

“Read” I told him flatly he looked at me the way the other kids on the bus had looked at Lucas like I had three heads.

“What?” I asked defensively I could see on his face that reading a book for him was like someone trying to pull a tooth with out nova cane.

“Nothing well come on” he said as he led the way to his room I was wondering how anyone could hate reading a book, just getting lost in the pages like an ocean that never ended. 

I followed slowly behind him unsure what to think of my loving cousin and his neanderthal ways after all he played football and what was more simple and brutish then a bunch of jocks tackling each other for a ball. I didn't get the appeal I was never into such thing and I would never would be if I had my way.

Once we were in his room Keith pulled over a bean bag chair and told me to sit down he picked a game called Mortal Kombat Apocalypse and stuck it in. He started explaining the buttons to me and what buttons to push if I wanted to kick or hit his guy. Keith picked Syrex and I picked Subzero only because the guy appeared to be as cold as I felt.  I couldn’t believe the blood when I stabbed Syrex with my sword I caught myself smiling and looked over at Keith who was doing to same thing, smiling at the sight of blood.  I finally figured out the buttons and began hitting kicking and doing combo’s. I took out all my frustrations and all of the  hate I had for my father I took it all out on Keith’s character. We played six games I won 4 and he won two. I figured he let me win a couple of them.

 I stifled a yawn as Keith walked over to the game system and shut it off.

“Tired?” he asked me while yawning himself.

I only nodded then we said goodnight to each other and I left Keith in his room to go to sleep I had school tomorrow and it was already a quarter to twelve.
 
When I got to my door I opened it quickly and slid in to the dark room I had forgotten to leave a light on. I had only planed to play one game before going to bed but I had gotten caught up in the violence of the game.

 I picked up my pj's and changed quickly I had to get some sleep I was exhausted.  I climbed in bed and closed my eyes beginning to relax as I imagined the many ways to kill my father. Moments later I was fast a sleep.

I was woken to the sound of the alarm clock telling me it was time for school, I had set it last night and I was determined to go. I couldn’t miss any more one day was bad enough.  I did have a reputation with my teachers to keep up, I quickly dressed after taking a short shower, combed through my hair and ran into the kitchen after picking up my backpack.

“I have to go to school today” I said in a pleading voice.

Cathy looked up from her paper with an astonished face expression plastering her features.

“I told you dear you don’t have to worry about that!” she said with pity

“I Just want everything to go back to normal” I said in a whisper she sighed and sat her paper down on the oak table.

“Okay if it is that important to you then I don’t see the harm” she smiled warmly at me.

I smiled brightly and sat my backpack beside me on the floor.

“Are you hungry?” she asked me with a small smile on her face.

“Sort of” I shrugged the truth was I was feeling nervous, happy but nervous.
She sat a plate of food in front of me with egg, bacon, and toast and she poured me a glass of orange juice. She reminded me of my mom in a lot ways which seemed to effect me more then I thought it did.

I have to get out of here, this is to much I thought to myself in between mouthfuls of food.

“Well eat and I will drop you at school” she smiled

I ate as quickly as I could, when I finished I tossed my bag over my shoulder and headed for the car completely forgetting about the rodent of a dog that had taunted and provoked me when I first arrived. I soon remembered when the damn thing started barking uncontrollably at me as I was walking toward the car. I had to fight the urge to kick it once again and got in the front seat of the car I shut the passengers side door lucky for me I didn’t kick the dog because Cathy came out right behind me.

“Go lay down Percy” She said a little to nicely for my taste.

I laid my head on the back of the seat I was still  kind of nervous thinking about going to school I didn’t understand what I was feeling the problem was, I seemed to be feeling something other then anger and I didn't understand it at all.

I need to kill something soon it is the only way I will feel better, the only way to get my head strait, when I lose control.  My thoughts were desperate.

Cathy got in the car wearing a pair of brown sweat pants and a sweatshirt in the same color it was a cold morning but in my opinion it wasn’t that cold. She started the car and drove me to school I was later then usual but I was still early.

I thanked her and got out of the car she shouted through the window that she would pick me up at 3:30pm. I nodded to her before I walked to class.

All the kids I passed stopped to look at me as though i was a creature in a freak show and I couldn’t help but wonder what they knew about my mother.

When he got to class Mr. Waker looked up from his desk with a surprised expression on his face.

“Nice to see you Logan” he smiled reassuringly

“Thanks” I said happily and headed toward my seat in the back of class, I sat down

A few minutes later some kids I recognized came into class all talking in a group the teacher looked up from his book at the clock behind him. The first bell would ring any second.

I looked out the window glad to be back at school and happy to be away from my
new found family. I missed sitting at my seat and looking at those tree’s I knew them  so well.

When the teacher started talking I looked up to pay attention to what he was saying. He was addressing the class telling them they were to put yesterday’s assignment on his desk before class was over. One of the kids in the front row stood up and sat a paper on his desk and walked back to her seat. Mr. Waker walked around his desk with a math book in his hands and asked the class to turn to page 147 in there math books. I continued looking out the window after I opened my book and sat it on the desk.

 An older woman with long brown hair was walking to her car I had never seen her before she wore a pair of dark blue pants and a long sleeved white dress shirt she was hefty looking from as far as I could tell. I didn’t recognize her and I couldn’t help but wonder who the woman was.

In the middle of my second class an older woman came in and whispered into Miss. Alva's ear she nodded and as soon as the older woman left the classroom she called me up to her desk.

“You are wanted at in the office Mr. McNamara” she said

“Okay” I headed out the door and down the hall to the office.

What could they possibly want with me why me.  I couldn’t help but sigh as I walked into the office, the woman at the front desk smiled and told me to take a seat. I waited there until the woman smiled at told me to go on in. I knocked on the door I entered when I heard a man’s voice from the other side of the door.

The man looked to be in his late 50’s he wore a cheap blue suit with a red tie. He motioned me to sit down in one of the chair in front of the desk. I waited until he hung up the phone. I sat there in silence and he smiled at me when all I wanted to do was head back to class. I waited impatiently for what he wanted to say playing with a zipper on my sweat shirt pocket.

“You don’t have to be here Mr. McNamara at school I mean” The principle smiled at me.

“Why shouldn’t I be?” I asked defensively and suddenly remembered why everything was so different.

“Your mothers death son such a tragedy, most kids who have parents die. He paused  trying to think of a professional way without making himself sound hard.
 
He sighed and shook his head. “Well they normally take a few weeks off of school “ he sat in his chair watching me for some idea of what I was thinking.

“I like school Sir and I just want everything to go back the way it was” I was telling the truth but I knew nothing would ever be the same again and that bothered me.

“Have you talked with someone about what has happened?” he asked in a concerned voice.

“No I don’t want to talk about it” I was sick of every one prying there noises into my business all I wanted was to be left alone, I didn't want to talk or feel anything.

“Well I would like you to talk to Miss. Morgan who is the school councilor” he said softly

“Why?” I asked in an annoyed voice

“Well I think it would be good for you to and I need to know that you will be okay to attend class I would like it if you went there or take a few weeks off its your choice.” he cleared his throat and waited for me to give him a answer.

I couldn't tell him that i would rather shoot myself in the head then talk about the feelings I didn't want to have.

“Fine I will talk to her” I said sarcastically.

I couldn’t handle missing a few weeks of school, I couldn’t imagine spending that much time with my cousin and his mother.

Mr. Gates smiled and nodded in approval happy that he had gotten his way I wanted to stab him with my pencil.

“You can go but during your Gym class I will call you to the office to talk with her” he said and picked up his phone to make the appointment.

I nodded and walked to the office door I turned around to say goodbye because it was the polite thing to do.

When his next class started I got there late for the first time in my life I didn't think to ask the office for a late slip but the teacher didn't seem to care.

When the lunch bell rang I walked to my normal seat on the bleachers they were empty. I hadn’t seen Kevin and was curious to know whether or not he had found his pet. I missed seeing the misery in his eyes as I talked about his cat.

I walked up a few step and sat down I thought about how much I hated staying at my aunts house, I missed my bedroom and all of my other things.
 
I picked up my bag and reached inside I had forgotten to pack a lunch mom would normally pack it and she was dead as dead as all the animals I had killed so many times before well 11 to be exact.

I reached in my back pack and picked up a book. I just sat there  sat on the bleachers dazing off into the distance forgetting that I had the book in my hand.

I will have to act differently in front of her I can’t let her see the emptiness I have inside of me. What kind of questions will she ask me? I hate sharing my feelings with people I hate showing weakness even if I am pretending. I looked beyond the football field lost in my own thoughts I hadn’t noticed that Lucas was standing in front of the bleachers until he spoke.

“I heard what happened!” he said sadly and I glared at him

“It was on the news!” he continued cautiously.

“I don’t want to talk about it!” I snarled.

“Well you can talk to me if you want to” he was trying to be a good friend.


 I stood up and came up on him faster then I thought possible with out tripping and falling on the steps.

“I SAID I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!” I shouted as I pushed Lucas on the ground. He looked at me with hurt filled eyes.

I stomped off leaving in the direction of the gym leaving Lucas on the ground wiping his eyes. I was no better then Kevin I thought as I made my way to class.

Everything is changing why does it have to change why can’t everyone just leave me alone?  I knew that I had to talk to  the school counselor about what I was feeling i didn't want to talk to anyone let alone Miss. Morgan. all I wanted was to be left alone, I made a silent wish that everyone would die and leave me alone then I would not have to talk to anyone about anything
but I knew it was to much to ask for so I wasn't about to hold my breath.

I am not that lucky ,if i was it would have been my dad with the gun in his mouth instead of my mom  I knew that it would never happen to him in this life  he was to much of an asshole to die willingly.  I thought to myself.

I felt angry, so damn angry I couldn’t control my anger I felt like lashing out at all the kids that looked at me oddly. I am so sick of all this shit.

I walked off toward the office I have to get myself under control before talking to her.

When I entered the office my face held no emotion the same woman from earlier smiled at me again.

“I have a appointment with Miss. Morgan!” I sighed as she pointed to the right hallway.

“It’s the second door on the right hand corner her name is on the door just knock before entering she may have someone she is talking to.” the secretary smiled warmly at me.

I nodded and headed off toward the door that had her name on it” I took a deep breath before knocking lightly. The whole while I hoping that she wouldn’t hear and that I could just go to class I held my breath, right when I was ready to turn and go and I was starting to feel like I could breath again I heard a woman’s voice coming from the other side of the door.

“Come in” she said

Damn i knew it was to much to hope for I thought to myself as I slowly and regrettably opened her office door. When I went into the room I noticed it was the same woman I had seen out the window earlier in class. She wasn’t as chunky as she had looked from far away.

She smiled “come on in and sit down Logan do you mind if I call you Logan?” she asked me in a sweet and understanding voice.


“Yeah Logan is fine” I said dismissively as I took a seat in a black chair in front of a bigger black chair she was sitting in. We sat in silence for a few minutes before she asked her first question.

I wore my mask that hid me from prying eyes and the rest of the world, so that NO one would be able to see how numb I was, no one could see the darkness I hid so well.

“I heard about your mother how are you doing?” she asked

“Well” I took a deep breath to make her think I was upset.

“I feel empty, numb and alone” I sighed and looked down at the floor.

“Well that is normal in this situation” she smiled warmly at me.

“Logan it will pass it wont always be this way!” she said gently and reached for the Kleenex box sitting on the desk beside her.

I looked up from the floor and into her eyes and nodded all I felt was empty, dead I didn't even feel human most times I felt like a monster, as my father said I was.

“Its hard” I almost cried I had a lot of practice pretending to be someone else.
 
 Her voice became softer “Why don’t you tell me about your mother” she smiled warmly at me.

“What’s to tell she killed herself in front of me on my birthday!” I said sadly.
 
She grew silent for a moment her eyes large with shock for a second before they returned to their normal size. She obviously hadn’t known that small detail when she began but now she did. She sat in her chair in silence analyzing my face with her brown beady eyes. I looked back down at the floor to avoid eye contact with her. The eyes didn’t lie know matter how much I wanted them to.

It didn’t matter how well I acted all she would need was to see was my cold dead eyes watching her and know what my mom had discovered. I was a monster and my mother had even agreed with me. That was one of the few names she had called me before killing herself a monster.

“Why don’t you tell me something good about your mother a good memory!” she smiled hoping to encourage me to tell her.

“We used to go to Barnes and Nobel’s every month and she would buy me a book” I smiled at the memory of mom looking through the books with me and the two of  us discussing a different variety of books from fantasy to horror.
 
“Well you just remember all the good things that you and your mother used to do” she said and smiled.

“I will always remember” I told her flatly as I was thinking. I will always remember the night she killed herself in front of me. One minute she was smiling and the next she was dead and I will never forget the look in her eyes as she laid in her own pool of blood watching me with accusing eyes. 

She smiled and told me to think positively when the bell rang I stood up and headed for the door as quickly as I could without seeming to eager.

“Well I think that you are doing just fine but if you need someone to talk to you know where my office is i will see you next week.

I walked out the door feeling as though a house had been lifted off my shoulders I had been concerned for nothing. All though that woman had made me think of my mother when I didn’t want to but I seemed to have fooled her. I smiled to myself as I walked out of the building and down the street.

I needed to take a walk, I wanted to see my house, I began walking in the direction of the woods. I walked a few blocks and passed a few people on the sidewalk. They smiled and I ignored them and kept walking I walked for about an hour until I came to the woods I loved so much.  Entering  the woods and walking though a small brush of little trees made me smile as I came to the small creek I used to sit by before everything had changed.

 I looked around for the corpse of Trig and didn’t find anything either an animal had carried off the carcass or Kevin had found his precious cat. I smiled to myself and sat on the rock looking off into the water thinking of the last time I had been here.

I have to kill something soon or I am going to lose my mind. I thought to myself

When I got bored I walked down the street to my house I saw Lucas standing in his driveway and ignored him. When he caught sight of me he went in his house after watching me for a second.

What is wrong with him well I guess I don’t have to worry about him following me anymore.

When I walked past Kevin’s house I noticed that the lights were off and no one appeared to be home. I then proceeded to walk past slowly waiting to catch sight of Kevin’s distraught face expression.  I wasn’t having any luck at all, first he wasn’t in class and now he didn’t appear to be home.

When I entered the house it was dark and my fathers car hadn’t been in the driveway so I figured I would go in my room and pick out some other books I would like to read. I didn't know how much longer I would be held prisoner at my aunts house so I searched through the bookshelf and found a few I was interested in and stuffed them in my bag.

I hoped that I would be able to come home soon I was tired of constantly being around people who acted like they cared about me, when I would rather be alone.

Sometimes when I am alone I imagine there is no one else and that I am the only person in the world it would be better that way.

When I finished packing my books I decided to go into moms room I crept down the hall and lightly opened the door. The smell of blood almost knocked me back I flipped the light switch on so that I could see the rest of the room it had been dark the last time I had been in there.

 The first thing he saw was blood spurts all over the wall above the bed. The white sheet that had been on the bed before my mom shot herself was gone. The police must have collected them as evidence I thought to myself.

I had read plenty of suspense books where crimes were committed in them and they always took evidence. I didn’t know if that was the way it was in real life but it made me wonder what was real and what was fiction.

I walked over to the bed and sat down there was a large spot of blood where my mother’s head had been. I reached out and touched it with my hand curious as to whether it felt as dry as it looked I couldn't help thinking that was all that remained of my mother this medium size spot of blood.

When I heard a car pass by I went to the large window and pulled the dark brown curtain back to see who it was. My father stumbled out of his truck in a drunken stupor holding a 12 pack of Miller’s beer. He tripped on the sidewalk and would have fallen if there hadn’t been a fence to grab. When he got to the front door he dropped his keys. As soon as I caught sight of him I grabbed my backpack and went out the back door to avoid a confrontation.

I slouched down by the old oak tree not worrying whether my father would find me or not. It used to be my home away from home where I would go to just get away from  my parents mainly my father. I used to get lost in reading books for hours when I was younger, I would dream and pretend that I was the villain in the book most normal people would pretend to be the hero but I thought everyone else would side with the hero and I felt bad for the poor guy.

I wanted to be different from everyone else I prided myself on it. Dad was predictable when he came home from work he would take his box of beer to his chair and watch old football games. He had recorded his old glory days my mother used to tell me about how she had met my father in high school. He had been the star quarterback and she had been an honor student it had been an unlikely match. Mom claimed that he didn’t used to be the way he is now he was a nice and respectful man he used to treat her like gold until he had broken his leg in three spaces and that had ruined his career choices.

He had never been smart he was an idiotic football player that figured all his dreams would come true as soon as he was discovered by a scout until he broke his arm and legs in a car accident he was lucky to have survived it. He changed,  mom was convinced that it was only a phase and it would pass when and if he accepted what had happened and that he could never play football again.

Mom had convinced herself that he would get better and so she married him and they became a semblance of a family to people that didn’t know any better they were a happy family until I was born.

My mom was now a waitress she had given up her dream of becoming a therapist. She had graduated high school but never went to collage she had given up her dreams years ago after she had given birth to me.

I looked over the fence and wondered where Kevin was and what he was doing no one looked to be home from the sight of the house there were no lights on. I thought of jumping over the fence and breaking in but I decided not to.

I regretted the fact that I had run outside instead of going into my room. I stood from the tree content on the destination I had decided on. I would walk to Cathy's  house it was only a few miles away and I didn’t want to wait for his father to pass out in front of the T.V. if I did I would have to wait until 12:00am which was always around the time he passed out It was only 8:00pm and if he waited then I would get no sleep and be tired in class tomorrow.

The sound of my stomach grumbling reminded me that I hadn’t eaten since this morning I could be at my aunts in an hour or two I was pretty sure that I remembered where it was.

I walked out of the fence on the side of the house and started walking to the sidewalk I walked a few minutes until I stopped and stood looking in to the dark woods as I passed by them thinking about the blood that had been left in moms room. I remembered how moms eyes had looked in the lamplight before she closed her eyes and pulled the trigger. They held desperation and remorse.

I was drawn out of my thoughts when he heard a car down the road and began walking again ignoring the sense that I was being followed I quickened my pace as I walked the opposite direction I had earlier for a few minutes until a black sports car pulled up next to me. I kept walking anyway pretending I hadn’t seen it. It wasn’t that I was scared I didn’t have fear I was conflicted on what to do. I could fight who ever it was or kill them if he had a weapon but the only thing I carried were books and I doubted that they would cause very much damage to a person of a large size. I have a knife but I couldn’t take it to school I had to control myself and thinking about Kevin and my father made me want to kill them both. So I had decided it was best left hidden in a drawer at my aunt’s house. 


The car sped past me and slammed on the breaks in front of me I didn't know what to do. I held on tighter to my backpack in case I had to hit someone with it.
  

Everyday always the same i will never be capable of change
the world spins and people age i remain the same.
in my mind i have to much time my life is wasting a way
still i remain lost and full of hoplessness deserted and
afraid of my own thoughts i am deranged my mind is
like a puzzel missing peices never able to be completed.
everyday remains the same.

I have never been a positive person i have suffered from depression all my life i remember the first time i tried to end my existence i was 7 years old i jumped from a bluff that i believed was a cliff i don't know why i am the way i am it drives me crazy not knowing why. I didn't have a traumatic childhood not that i can remember anyway's. Sometimes i think i am evil i get in these moods where i purposely try to hurt people with words i know bother them. I don't like to be this way i try my best to be a good person i really do i can not remember ever being happy even as i child all though my memories are kind of a blur. I don't know who i am or what i am supposed to be the only thing that i enjoy doing that i take pride in is my writing. I wake up crying and go to sleep crying and i have no reasons or excuses as to why i am this way.

Another day yet the same the days blend together and i can't help but wonder am i still asleep dreaming the same dream again and again. That can't be because i woke from my dream. My life is not interesting at all i was thinking of posting another poem out of one of the hundreds i have written i have some that i favor more then others. It is raining outside it calms me makes me feel at peace i do not get tired when t rains like others oddly enough everyone in my family does get tired and want to sleep. I am also a night owl i can't sleep at night no matter how hard i try well i hope this is how your supposed to blog if not then i am sorry for my inexperience. I have been considering working on one of my books i have in progress i can't decide what kind of mood i am in though to write i mean. I have romance,suspense,horror,fantasy,and others of the same kind i hate not being able to make decisions it really frustrates me.

Another day yet the same the days blend together and i can't help but wonder am i still asleep dreaming the same dream again and again. That can't be because i woke from my dream. My life is not interesting at all i was thinking of posting another poem out of one of the hundreds i have written i have some that i favor more then others. It is raining outside it calms me makes me feel at peace i do not get tired when t rains like others oddly enough everyone in my family does get tired and want to sleep. I am also a night owl i can't sleep at night no matter how hard i try well i hope this is how your supposed to blog if not then i am sorry for my inexperience. I have been considering working on one of my books i have in progress i can't decide what kind of mood i am in though to write i mean. I have romance,suspense,horror,fantasy,and others of the same kind i hate not being able to make decisions it really frustrates me.

I have never blogged before so bare with me i guess i will tell anyone who reads this if any one does decide to about myself i am 30 years old i have lived with depression all my i have endured constant thoughts good and bad i love writing poetry and reading books. i am currenly working on 6 books i should say not recently though i have not had it in me to write anything other then poetry lately i have dozens of note books full of poems i express myself through poetry obviously. I just lost a friend recently he betrayed me mocked me behind my back i don't have a lot of friends actally none. I am a very shy person i suffer from anxiety i have doubts like everyone else when i write poems it is like  a flood i write 2 or 3 at a time i wake up and go to sleep only to live the same day again. I can not be happy no matter how much i try i smile at people and pretend everything is fine but it is not i feel so alone most times more recently because of what happened with the so called friend i just feel so lost.
I didn't know it was possible to feel more alone then i did but i am and i am sure no one wants to read about that. I am just putting my thoughts down as they come to me well that is all i can think of for now sorry it is so lame but you do not have to read it if you choose to great if not i wouldn't blame you lol i hope that you like my poems they mean a lot to me so enjoy